3 Years

My Mom and I were getting ready to go to a family party when she called me downstairs. My pants are too tight, she said. I asked her if she felt if her liver was swollen. Maybe, she said. I could feel my heart race. We took her to the doctor that Monday and he said her liver felt swollen and that she should go for a scan. The scan showed that her cancer had popped up again in her liver. No big deal we thought, just switching chemo, and it will take care of it. I felt relieved. We celebrated with a trip to our local Coach store.

As she started the new chemo something didn't seem right. I knew she wasn't getting better. She was more sick with less energy. She became forgetful and apathetic. St Patrick's Day she cooked us a beautiful meal and even though I knew she wasn't up to it, she went out and bought all of us St Patrick's Day goodies and made the day a special one. I watched her closely over the next few days and knew things were not going the way we all wanted.

The week before Easter I really started to notice a huge change. She wasn't eating and had no energy. She could not even bring herself to come upstairs to see Dylan so I brought him down to her. I had most of our family over that Easter. Before everyone arrived she came upstairs to give the kids their Easter baskets. She could barely sit down. After spending some time with my kids she looked at me and told me she needed to lay down. At some point every person in my family went down to visit her and they knew something was dreadfully wrong. On Monday I took her back to the doctor. He gave her another dose of chemo and she responded ok. We went home and she saw the kids.

The next morning my Dad came up to get me and asked me to take her Vital Signs. Her blood pressure was low, her oxygen was low and so was her heartrate. She kissed the kids and her and I stood in her kitchen. She looked at me and said, I know this is the last time I will ever be in here. I hugged her and we went in the car. The Dr examined her and then told my Dad and I that she was not going to win this battle, the battle of the 13 year war she fought with breast cancer. I will never forget walking out of this Oncology office where every single nurse was in tears and she looked at one named Debbie and said, don't worry you will ALL see me again someday. Then she got in the car and said to my Dad in true Dora fashion, "You'd better not drive Debbie crazy or I will come back to haunt you."

The next few days were everything you could imagine they were. I remember after the third night of her being in the hospital coming home and just collapsing in Ron's arms saying I wasn't ready yet. I wasn't ready to lose her. Ron replied that I would never be ready and he was right. She was ready though. She was ready to have her body released of the pain and fight she endured for 13 long years. So the next day I went to relieve my Dad so he could get a cup of coffee and the nurses and I cleaned her up. I washed her face, brushed her teeth and combed what little hair she had left. I took a picture of Dylan and Heather and placed it in her hand. Her doctor came in and told her she was not going to make it out of the hospital. She began to cry and looked at me and said, I am not going to see Dylan and Heather anymore. I told her she would probably have a better view of them than I did. I told her it was ok to go, that I didn't want her to suffer anymore, that we would be ok. A few hours later she took her last breath. I don't know if I could ever quite describe the peace that came over the room. I just knew she was ok, and that was all that mattered to me.

March 28th will mark 3 years since I watched my Mom who was a young 61 yrs take her last breath. Three years has not made the pain of losing her feel better. I try to find peace hoping she is with her mother whom she mourned so deeply. She will forever be the most amazing woman who has ever entered my life. At my Mother's wake, one of my neighbor's came up to me and said, "When your Mother dies you lose the person in the world who loved you the most."
Harsh? Maybe.
True? Maybe not in all cases.
True in my case? Absolutely.